Recommended Kinkeda Pre Match Warm Up Stretches
The Broke Back Bend (highly recommended for first timers by Jonathan)
The Over and Under Twist (two variations shown)
The Flip Over Pull (or as Jonathan prefers…The Angel in Flight)
Toni says the facial expressiveness (some might say distortions) made while stretching are merely a sign of focus and intensity. The accompanying noises (you can actually hear her stretching noises on her soon to be released DVD “Getting the Kinks out with Kinkeda Stretches!”) she says should be viewed as the equivalent of the female Pro tennis players grunting when they hit a tennis ball, or a Latin dancer uttering “Sssa!” whilst executing a speedy maneuver (thereby indicating audibly to any judge watching them just how fast they wish they were moving).
Suggested training Books /Videos (available at the Ballroom Beach Bash Store).
- “How to Read your opponent like the Palm of your Hand” Palmistry and the competitive advantage.
- “Thpeed Thumbing extherthitheth ” Stronger Thumbs for all occasions.
- “Does the size of your Thumb Matter?” What is an average sized thumb? The Mass vs. Speed discussion resolved.
- “The Mind Thumb Connection” Mental preparation for Kinkeda Combat.
- “Under My Thumbnail” Dirty Fighting Secrets of a Professional Kinkeda Competitor
- “How to treat Numb Thumb” Care and treatment for Kommon Kinkeda injuries.
- “They Called me Cutey Kool” Memoirs of the former No,1 ranked female Kinkeda competitor (No, it wasn’t Toni:).
- “Winkatda Wombat” Australian Rules Kinkeda Combat (apparently it involves beer somehow…and Wombats).
- “Opposing Thumbs” A study of the Evolution of the Kinkeda Competitor showing evidence that followers of the sport are definitely superior to hoofed animals (at holding things).
Dangerous Moves! (and also illegal)
The following have been determined to be ILLEGAL MOVES by the GYUUKOCKA (Galactic Yearly Undisputed Unisex Kinkeda Open Combat Klash Association, or UKOCKA for short) Governing Board of Directors.
The DDA (Direct Digit Attack)
Kinkeda Klash (despite its aggressive sounding name) is a strictly non-contact sport. (Toni had to use a disinfectant mouthwash after this photo was taken, and Jonathan went to the local ER for Rabies testing and a tetanus shot)
Under the Thumb
As accustomed as we may be in everyday life to this particular scenario, all competitors must remain seated (or standing, kneeling, squatting, etc) at all times during the competition.
No third party hands permitted (Disclaimer: No hands were harmed in the shooting of this photo).
It is rumored that this illegal Palming move was first observed at competitions run by the once friendly but now rival and totally disreputable WTFK (World Toe Fighting Kouncil), and is referred to in those circles as “Toeing the Mark”.
Additional Note: they were using a foot.
Monkey Foot Gambit
Darwin might have believed monkeys are our close relatives (see Jonathan’s back), but it states in the official UKOCKA rule book (currently in its 12th reprint) we are not monkeys! Therefore upper body digits only please competitors!
This illegal footwork is used in order to confuse and distract one’s opponent both optically and olfactorily. This unhealthy technique is rumoured to have been transmitted via Kinkeda Clash competitors attending WTFK style competitions. A fact which has obligated the UKOCKA board of Directors to act, in good faith and in accordance with their mission statement, by banning all association with WTFK.
Why Galactic Championships? Why not just World Championships?
Why bother with just the World when you can go Galactic? Showing visionary foresight and strategic advance planning ahead for the future, a truly stellar job on the part of the Governing Board of Directors. Since we know that statistically we are not alone in the universe, and it is only a matter of time before contact is made, the Board has adopted a “freedom to compete Galactically” policy and has ruled aliens will be welcomed (after paying a suitable registration fee), but no more than 2 thumbs in play at a time per competitor please.
(Note: The aforementioned FTCG policy does not negate the ban on associating with WTFK homo sapiens).
(Additional note: In response to local sensitivities the text “World Domination” will be removed from future UKOCKA competition posters should Alien competitors be participating).
Early Bird Bonus Meeting on our Yacht.
In anticipation of everything going well at the Ballroom Beach Bash we bought a yacht (as one does).
Here we are tied up at the Hilton hotel Resort and Spa dock having a meeting on our new yacht and discussing the Ballroom Beach Bash Early Bird Bonus offer. However after calculating how much money we might have to pay out in Early Bird Bonuses, panic set in.
In this photo we are frantically casting off and setting sail for a country without an extradition treaty with the USA. Our plan is to head South to Guatemala, hugging the coastline (since we are newcomer sailors and have not yet hired a crew for the yacht) with a stop off in Tijuana for essential supplies (tequila, burritos).
But then Jonathan brings up a good point, how many competitors ever put their entries in on time anyway? Relief floods through us as we realize that in all likelihood we will get to keep the Early Bird Bonus money for ourselves! We decide not to flee the country and instead settle for a relaxing shake down cruise.
Looks like we might be making a live appearance at the comp after all 🙂
The organizers of the Ballroom Beach Bash were absolutely shocked and stunned (and also amazed and delighted), to be the recipients of a surprise visit by The Most Interesting Man in the Ballroom World.
Taking time off from his busy schedule of advertising beer, condoms and Men’s adult diapers (Cheryl Burke has apparently entirely absorbed the female market) The Most Interesting Man in the Ballroom World tried out the facilities at the Hilton Resort and Spa, the location of the upcoming BBB comp, and spontaneously declared “I don’t often go to ballroom competition, but when I do….I [will] go to the Ballroom Beach Bash!”
You can imagine how delighted we (the organizers, Jonathan, Michael and Toni) are, and honored, especially considering such a declarative statement from The Most Interesting Man in the Ballroom World is unheard of (he customarily just “prefers”). We also took the opportunity, since he said he was coming to the event anyway, to persuade him to judge.
See below a collection of other profound statements about The Most Interesting Man in the Ballroom World.